Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

A Michael Bay movie cannot be measured by the same standards as a normal movie.  A Bay movie cares not for compelling characters, narrative cohesion, or realistic emotions.  Instead, a Michael Bay movie must be judged on its “Bay-ness”.  How gigantic are the special effects?  What levels of homophobia, sexism, and racism can the humor reach without being outright offensive?  How long can the camera linger over the curves of the sexually-charged lead female character without starting to feel like really expensive porn?  Transformers: Dark of the Moon is about as Michael Bay as Michael Bay can get within the confines of a PG-13 movie (his gold standard in the R-rated realm is Bad Boys II).  The movie is far more successful in its action sequences and its humor (homophobic, sexist, and racist as it may be) than 2009′s abysmal Return of the Fallen), but lacks the charm of the first film in the franchise.  But since “charm” can’t be digitized and bought for millions of dollars, Bay is all about the set pieces and judging by that metric, the final hour of Dark of the Moon is his masterpiece.
In the war for control of Cybertron (home planet of the Transformers), the Autobots had a secret weapon to defeat the Decepticons.  However, the spaceship carrying the secret weapon, pillars with the power to teleport objects through space and time, was shot down as it attempted to escape.  Despite Cybertron being a distant planet, the ship somehow managed to make it all the way to our moon where it crash landed.  The Apollo 11 mission wasn’t one of discovery but one where a comical JFK impersonator laid out a secret mission to explore the wreckage.